It’s funny the things that I missed after my accident. Yes, there are the obvious things: walking/running anywhere, yoga, driving…pretty much all the “active” things that involved using my legs. But, I missed doing things like: dishes, cooking, doing the laundry, etc…or maybe missed being able to do them is a more accurate statement. I was watching an episode of Dateline the other night and one of the segments focused on the Olympian, Amy Van Dyken. Van Dyken was in both the 1996 and 2000 Olympics and won Gold in the 2000 Olympics. She was in an ATV accident in the summer of 2014 and suffered major spinal cord damage that led to her paralyzation. In her interview with Dateline, she talked about how she was very happy when she was able to go home from the hospital but that it wasn’t the same because she wasn’t able to do the dishes, cook, shower in her own bathroom, or any of the other “normal” things she used to be able to do in her own home. So, I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re a Gold Medal winning, Olympic swimmer, or little ol’ me…wanting to be able to do the ordinary, mundane chores of daily living after getting home from the hospital isn’t such a bizarre thing. I can now wash the dishes, cook dinner (hopefully without burning myself or the apartment down), and do the laundry (with help). Woohoo! Only I would get so excited over these “chores”. Hah. I think it’s more excitement of having some sense of independence back, as opposed to being excited over doing the chores themselves. But, there are still some things that I still can’t do…
I still can’t sit down on the floor (unless someone places me onto the floor) because my left knee doesn’t bend enough to allow me to do get down there or get back up. (See how much you actually bend your knees when you go to sit down on the floor from a standing position) I still need help going to the bathroom when we go out to places that don’t have a proper handicapped accessible bathroom, which means I have to have someone that is comfortable in helping me in case it’s necessary. Not being able to go to the bathroom solo is not the greatest thing in the world and it’s not like when girls go to the bathroom in pairs…this person has to actually help me sit down and get up from the toilet. Fun times. And the most difficult thing to deal with…I have yet to go anywhere completely on my own since the accident. I mean, if necessary, I can walk to the mailbox or even to the store, which are both about less than 2 blocks from the apartment. However, if I walked to the store by myself I’m probably not going to be buying anything that’s bigger than my pocket because if it can’t fit in my pocket…I’m not really going to be able to carry it and walk a the same time. I still need 2 forearm crutches to get around and it’s a bit difficult to carry things and attempt to walk, since it will throw me off balance. And I may have lost 2 legs, but I didn’t get any extra arms/hands. Sometimes, when I’m at home, I’ll practice walking using only a single crutch, but outside, still really nerve-wrecking. Once we get the new car, install the hand controls, and I learn how to use them, then I get gain a little bit more independence. I won’t be able to go everywhere on my own, but at least I can go to places where I’ll know what to expect on the other end. I.e..Therapy, my parent’s apartment or any family member’s apartment, places around the neighborhood, etc. Driving for the first time is going to be super nerve-wrecking as well…yikes.
Since getting my prosthesis, I definitely get out and about more, get in and out of the car a little easier (not to mention we don’t have to lug the wheelchair around), and obviously, I can walk around places. And of course, being a newbie on prosthesis means I still have plenty of issues to deal with, but for the most part, those issues are “better” than the issues that came with being in a wheelchair 24/7. Although I get out of the house and am out and about more, I’m still limited in the places I can go. For example…A few weeks ago, I met some of my friends for lunch. After lunch, we all talked about our plans for the rest of the day and nobody had any plans until later that day. Ok…what should we do? Should we go back to Sil’s house? She has a lot of steps leading up to her front door, doesn’t she? Yea..that’s not going to be easy for me. Ok…no then. Shopping? Oh, that’s a lot of walking for Teena. Nope..next. We can get some coffee from the coffee shop down the road. Ok, that works. I know my friends don’t care, but part of what’s going through my head is…Why don’t you guys just drop me off and go to Sil’s place or go shopping? I don’t want to be the reason you guys can’t do either of those things. But then, I’m also thinking…I don’t want to get dropped off and sit at home by myself while you guys continue to hang out. It sounds so pathetic.
I think sometimes people that don’t see me or talk to me on a somewhat regular basis, are under the assumption that now that I’m doing “better” and am walking around on my prosthesis, that I’m happier than I actually am. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m sad or depressed, by any means. I’m much happier since being freed from being in the wheelchair 24/7, but life still kind of sucks at times. I can now prepare a meal for myself, wash the dishes, and bathe myself..all pluses that don’t really come with any negatives. I can go out with friends..but only if it’s going to be a park the car and go right to the destination outing. IF it requires too much walking around, then I’m not quite there yet. And the biggest thing…I can spend the day at home, on my own. Just a few months ago, my mom would come over and spend the day with me and then when Ben would be headed home, my mom would head out because Ben would be taking the next “shift”. It’s great being able to take care of myself when I’m home, but it gets really lonely. I don’t have any human interaction all day. I might text, email, speak to people via IM, or make an occasional phone call, but if I don’t have an appointment or therapy, I have no human interaction. And you might not realize it..but that can get really hard to deal with. (Maybe that’s why I talk so much when I’m at therapy!) And prior to the accident I probably had days where I’d go into work and not really interact with people, but they were there if I wanted to. Commuting into work, being at work, going out to get lunch/coffee, commuting home…all opportunities to interact with people. They may not necessarily be deepest of interactions, but interaction nonetheless. Occasionally, I get the, “but you look so happy” comment. And I probably was at that moment. At that moment, I was probably having dinner with you, watching a movie with you, shooting the shit with you, etc…doing something/anything with you meant that I wasn’t sitting around by myself. I’m not saying that I need someone to keep me company or “entertain” me 24/7, but I guess I’m just trying to point out that just because I am happy when I’m with you (I am..when I’m with you), doesn’t me I’m “better” or always that way. None of those people see me when I’m crying at home over any number of things. This doesn’t happen as frequently as it used to or over as many things (I no longer have a mini breakdown whenever I drop something on the floor anymore), but it still happens every once in a while. Sometimes it just creates a feeling of being trapped. It’ll get better and I know this, but it’s tough. It’s not just the physical stuff, but the mental stuff is rough too.
And one last thing to touch on before I end this post. (Sorry if this post seemed like it was full of whining and complaining…hope it doesn’t turn you away from reading future posts!) One other thing I kind of had to adjust and deal with were the visitors. When I was in the hospital, I would have visitors all the time. Whether it was family who was always rotating around, or friends who would come by whenever I was up for visiting, I always had company. When I transferred over to NYU Rusk, I still had a good rotation of visitors, a little less, but I didn’t have my own room anymore and I had therapy to do during the day, so it was fine. After getting settled in at home, I had a steady amount of visitors come every weekend for a little while. We live in a part of Queens where the easiest way to get to us is either by car or the LIRR. IF not by those to modes of transportation, then it’s a subway to a bus. I totally understood the hassle that came along with visiting me. But after a couple of months or so, that steady stream dwindled down. You kind of go through a little bit of withdrawal. It’s werid. Obviously, I don’t blame people for not visiting me more. People have their own lives to live. Would I like it if they did? Of course!..but not ideal..I know. It’s such a odd thing…but it really is like I’m going through visitation withdrawal, or something.
Thanks for reading..til next time!